Cultivating Gratitiude

As everything around us is quickly turning to Christmas I feel its a time when I need to check in with myself, with my mind and my spirituality. It’s a time to ask what I’m grateful for, and most importantly, it’s a time to intentionally foster gratitude for all that I have. I have learnt on my journey that gratitude can transform common days to thanksgiving, turn routine jobs into joy and change ordinary opportunities into blessings.

When it comes to giving thanks, I could start with my parents, how they never abandoned me in my times of depression and mania and have - and continue to - go above and beyond call of duty for me. I could look to my friends, how most of them have stood by me and seen past my troubles. I could thank my employers and work colleagues who have gone out of their way to help me and make my life an easier place to be.

When it comes to my mental health challenges, there is nothing in my life they don't touch, in one way or another. There is no person close to me completely unaffected. Not a day goes by that I don’t consciously appraise my mood. Each day I am reminded that my life is markedly different from many of my fellows, and in order to stay stable I need assistance. So when it becomes time to give thanks, I have to ask myself, am I grateful for my challenges? I guess the real questions are - Am I grateful for my life today? Do I respect the woman that I’ve become? Am I proud of my recovery? For these questions and more, the answer is absolutely yes.

When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, my life changed forever. My priorities needed to shift. I had to be more conscious and aware of how I treated my body and how I thought about the world. I had to challenge beliefs and ideas that didn’t serve me. I had to address destructive behaviors that some people never have to face. I naturally cultivated empathy and compassion for those in need of mental health care. I have learnt that gratitude is something that needs to be continuously cultivated in order to live a happy and peaceful life. But above all I would say that my biggest lesson has been that life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. If I don’t do these things, I can't be who I am today.

Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish Bipolar Disorder on anyone. There are many days I wish I didn't have it. But if I didn't have Bipolar Disorder (if thats what it is!) then I wouldn't have the rest of my life. My diagnosis has forced me to grow in ways I could never have imagined. It made me rise up and allow myself to be transformed, not because I necessarily wanted it, but because my life literally depended on it. As human beings, sometimes our transformation depends on our challenges and we can't have one without the other.

While I can never kiss the past goodbye, I can look onto the future with hope and determination for a life where I'll be more aware. I'll note every bite of food, every sip of drink, every wink of sleep, every stressful situation that I'll be trying to avoid. All of this I'll do, just to be able to live fully the next day, the next week, month and year.

I am certain that sometimes I will get tired of living so cautiously. I don't doubt I'll take some wrong turns and get lost again. But I'll manage, because now I know how to, and for that I'll be eternally thankful. I've learnt that although experience is the best kind of teacher, in the words of Oscar Wilde, it is also the hardest - it gives you the test first and the lesson afterward!

I'll live on purpose, with purpose. I'll seek help when I need it. As the sun will rise and set, so will I. My diagnosis was not the end, it was merely a new beginning. And remember - sometimes you fall down because there is something down there you are supposed to find.