I recently spoke at a suicide prevention event about my own experiences around suicide and mental health. I was also lucky enough to be interviewed for BBC Look East on the subject and was asked to write an article for the newsletter of the charity that organised the event - Our Minds Matter. It was a fantastic event and really highlighted the fact that we need to be much more open about suicide and encourage people to talk about how they're feeling before disaster strikes. I know personally that its certainly not the easiest thing to talk about, but I decided to speak out to try and help others.
Below is a copy of the article I wrote.
Is suicide a taught thing? Does it run in families? Genetic? Research shows that depression runs in families but both genetics and environments influence the condition. That means, although the likelihood of suicidal behaviour increases in families, a completed suicide is, apparently, still a rare event when compared to how many attempts made. One thing I do know for sure, suicide certainly shouldn't be the taboo subject that is still seems to be - we need to talk about it more and help people to realise that feeling suicidal is nothing to be ashamed of. Its ok not to be ok and to speak out about it in order to get help.
After experiencing attempts from both my Mother and my Sister, I had vowed never to let it happen to me. But it did. After battling mental health problems for many years, I ended up in a secure psychiatric unit with suicidal ideations. Unlike my Mother and Sister, I didn't actually have a chance to go through with the suicide attempt, but I had made plans to do so. I'd started selling off all of my belongings, tying up loose ends, paying off bills etc. as in my clouded mind I thought this would help my parents out once I was dead. My theory was that if I prepared well, then there wouldn't be anything that my parents would need to sort out once I was gone. It all made perfect sense to me. Of course it didn't occur to me at the time that they would be utterly devastate and racked with guilt - a common reaction when a loved one kills themselves.
The thing was I didn't necessarily want to die, I just didn't know how to cope anymore with the crippling pain that intense depression was causing me. I just wanted to make it all go away and to find peace. So of course, the next logical step was death. I wasn't scared, in my mind it was just what needed to happen.
But thank goodness for my Mum, who knew I was in a downward spiral and arrived at my house on the morning of the day I was thinking of executing the final leg of my plan and whisked me off to A&E, where I was assessed and immediately admitted. It was soon after this that I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.
For me, 3 years on from my diagnosis and 2 more hospital admissions due to suicidal ideations, I am finally on the right medication for me and now feel that life is very much worth living. I have been in remission for just over a year and am lucky to be able to say its been the best year of my life. I have successfully found a way to live a fulfilled life whilst still managing my Bipolar and my biggest passion in life has become creating awareness of mental health in order to help other people in similar situations.
I took voluntary redundancy last year from a very stressful and highly pressured job that wasn't helping my health and have found more appropriate ways to spend my time. I speak at mental health fundraisers and awareness days, facilitate workshops on Bipolar, Recovery and Managing Crisis and work one day a week as a Peer Support Worker for other adults with mental health challenges and illnesses. Doing this sort of work has helped my recovery immensely, rebuilt my self-esteem and confidence and made my life worth living again. I am fortunate enough to be able to say my Bipolar has brought me good fortune.
So, please remember, there is always help out there and there is always hope. Please just speak out. Life is worth living. Gather up your strength and pick up the pieces of your life one by one. Instead of saying 'I'm damaged, I'm broken, I have trust issues', say 'I'm healing, I'm rediscovering myself, I'm starting over'. Despite everything, we grow. Be proud of this. We are all warriors and must never forget that, so far, we have survived 100% of our days. I wish you the strength to reach out for help and the hope that you find it there - I have no doubt that you will.
