Singing for Wellbeing with Rethink your Mind

Last night I did a talk at a fundraising event for the charity Rethink your mind and #theyellowbook. It was the first time I have spoken publicly about my Bipolar and it was a most incredible experience. The response I had was extremely humbling and made me realise just how much speaking out can help other people. I will definitely be doing it again some time! The charity was set up by a friend of mine in Rock Choir, Claire Evans, so there was singing involved too of course! We were also joined by local band Refuge who do a lot of work with Mental Health hospitals. What an overall amazing evening.

Below is the poster for the event and then a copy of my talk.

'When I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder my life changed forever. My priorities needed to shift. I had to be more conscious of how I treated my body and how I thought about the world, and about myself. I had to address destructive behaviours that some people never have to face.

An interesting quote that explains things well for me - 'Uncontrolled, scattered thoughts are like a speeding car; unless you brake, and right yourself, you loose control and crash.'

Until I received my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, my life was the speeding car and I was the passenger - then I lost control and I crashed. And it was almost fatal.

My many years of struggles with my mental health came to a head 2 years ago when I was admitted to a secure psychiatric unit after expressing suicidal tendencies. It was here during my recovery that I was given the diagnosis.

My initial reaction was relief. I had struggled for so many years with severe mood swings, anger and irrational behaviours. I thought 'at last', I know what the problem is. I had always felt, deep down, that there was something not quite right and I was relieved to have a reason for that.

But, unfortunately, the relief didn't last and soon became replaced by anger and self-pity. One of the hardest parts when you’re fighting a mental illness is that you’re fighting a silent battle. Although people try to help, nobody really knows the pain and inner turmoil you are going through and what hard work each and every day is. It is very easy for the frustration of this to turn to anger.

So, the last 2 years have been pretty rocky, to say the least, what with trying to learn how to manage my illness while still living a worthwhile life, battling severe depression and also dealing with some horrendous side effects of medications I was taking. There have been times when the physical side effects of the drugs have been utterly debilitating and were gradually causing my body to shut down. Needless to say I stopped taking those particular drugs, but I am only just recovering from the effects 6 months on.

Despite all the mental and physical pain I have endured, I have still found the strength to recreate my life. As often as I was able I read every relevant book I could get my hands on, every article, every blog and watched many webinars, films and programmes. I read about fellow sufferers, I learnt about the mind and how it works, I learnt that how you treat your body has massive effect on how your mind works. The more I learnt, the more I wanted to save myself and had to accept that my life, as I knew it, had to change.

I took the very hard decision to step down from my high-pressured career and take a less stressful job. I downsized my home, unburdening myself from those financial pressures. I stopped drinking alcohol. I learnt to talk to people when I was struggling - which was very hard for me. Singing is a tremendous mood lifter and choir has given me a whole new lease of life.

I don’t have late nights, I have a very structured sleep pattern, I follow a very strict nutrition plan, I meditate and practise mindfulness and I do yoga. I consciously keep myself away from stressful situations and have to constantly be aware of how I am feeling at all times. I’ve found that writing really helps – I keep a journal, write poetry and have a blog.

I have been lucky enough to have a supportive employer and a fantastic Care Worker and Psychiatrist.

When it comes to my mental health challenges, there is nothing in my life they don't touch, in one way or another. There is no person close to me completely unaffected. Not a day goes by that I don't consciously appraise my mood and each day I am reminded that my life is markedly different from many of my peers.

It sounds like a very complicated and difficult way to live. It is. But, for now, I’ve made peace with that with the help of mindfulness and talking therapies, and the amazing support of my family and friends. I know that sometimes I will tire of living so cautiously and I don’t doubt that I’ll take some wrong turns and get lost again. But I’ll manage, because I’ve made sure I know how to.

It’s important I tell you that it’s not all bleak. My diagnosis has forced me to grow in ways I could never have imagined. It made me rise up and allow myself to be transformed - not because I necessarily wanted it, but because my life literally depended on it. I have found a different version of myself underneath all the stress and anxiety – a healthier, more mindful one.

My biggest and most poignant lesson through all this has been that life is 10% of what happens to us and 90% how we react to it. We all have a choice, no matter what is thrown at us, and I choose life.'