Sparkling Stars in a World of Beige Squares

As my manic episode fades into the past, I enter a zone of danger where a deep drop into a black hole could be right around the corner. Of course, I'd rather not go back there, to that place of misery & desperation, but these decisions can sometimes be out of my control - a natural and common after effect of mania is depression, as you realise life isn't as incredibly exciting as you thought it was for a while. Sure, it can be fun, but nothing tops those highs of mania and when you realise they are gone, its pretty disappointing. There are split second voids creeping in to my days every so often, so I need to be cautious and guard the gates to hell with vibes of positivity! My wish now is to be able to keep hold of the feelings of happiness, the creativity and the self esteem. I accept that everything in my life is just a phase and good or bad, it will pass, but I would like those to exist as a constant in my life.

I've always believed in fate and I changed my calender at work over to May yesterday and the picture to the left was there in front of me - How uncanny is that, I thought to myself. Those are words I really need to hear at the moment!

So I use this coincidental reminder of my strength to check in with myself and remind me of what I've dealt with up to now - evidently I can cope with a lot so hopefully my choice to NOT take the turn to Depressionville won't be too tricky.

My aim is this - 'I will not let Bipolar rob me of my rise & shine, of my kind heart and approachability, I will not allow it to drag me down into the depths of hell, or to raise me up, high into a manic dimension which cannot be controlled by human alone.'

As well as working hard over the last couple of weeks to stabilise my mood, I have also had to reach the realisation that my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder is correct. I had convinced myself it was an error but after depression in December and now a manic episode, I have had to accept it as a legitimate diagnosis. How jolly disappointing! So 'acceptance' comes to the forefront of my mind at the moment and I realise I need to stand proud if I have any chance of a fulfilling life.

In all honesty I am tired of trying to cram my sparkly star-shaped self into society's beige holes so I am choosing to embrace my eccentric awesomeness and shine like the unconventional & unique individual I am supposed to be.

When I think of people trying to accept mental illness and find their place in a world that is still so full of judgement (like me!), I have an image in my head of the child's 'shape sorting cube' toy - you know the one where you're supposed to put the square shape in the square hole and the triangle shape in the triangular hole and so on. But in my image, the hexagonal shape is me and my mental health struggles and the child is trying to put into the square hole - its never going to fit no matter how hard they try. Sadly, acceptance of mental illness is still very much like this, we are all trying so hard to 'fit in' but not always being able to, or maybe not really wanting to. Why should we try and 'fit in' and conform to most of society's expectations? Why can we not just be our own unusual & wonderful selves? Correct answer - we can be ourselves - and we should be!

If I've learned anything from my life, its that sometimes the darkest times can bring us to the brightest places, I've learnt that toxic people can teach us our most important lessons; and that our most painful struggles can grant us the most necessary growth. I've learnt that what seems like a curse in the moment can actually be a blessing and what seems to be the end of the road is actually just the start of another one. There is always hope, we can never give up. Even when its scary and all of our strength seems to have gone, we must keep picking ourselves back up and moving forwards, because whatever we are battling in that moment, it will pass and we will make it through. Always remember this - your track record for getting through bad days is currently 100%!!

Bipolar will not ruin my life, but merely change it. I will rise up and be that unique sparkling star - or hexagon! - and stop trying to fit into a square hole. I won't live up to any expectations except my own, I won't try to be accepted I will just be me. I have accepted 'me' and that's all that matters for now. Acceptance is half the battle really and once you reach that point it really does make things easier, you can be proud of who, and what, you are.

So I say YES! to sparkling stars and glittering hexagons, lets make the world a more exciting place. Yes we have to go that extra mile to make our own box to fit into but they will be much more fun & exciting, breath-taking & fantastic. Embrace your stardom without having to conform to what most of society expects from you - who wants to be a square when you be a sparkly, glittering hexagon anyway?!