As I approach my 2 year anniversary of Bipolar diagnosis (this Saturday!), I look back on what I've learnt and how my life has changed for the better. It may be strange to call it an anniversary but I honestly believe I have a lot to celebrate.
So, looking back 2 years........Being the inquisitive soul that I am, when I was diagnosed I wasn't about to just accept the diagnosis without doing a heap of research myself and figuring out if I thought the diagnosis was right. I've always been a bit of a 'black and white' person but with mental health there are a lot of grey areas which I quickly discovered. I felt like my soul had been crushed, life pushed out of who I once was. I didn't want to change, I had liked the old me, my old life. But I had to if I was to survive.
After the dust had settled on my diagnosis, the feelings of relief passed and the realisation that my life had to slow down immensely if I was going to remain well, I had to start figuring out a lot of things - like how I was going to live my life now that plan A had proved unsustainable.
It soon became clear that my previous life had very likely played a huge part in why I became so badly mentally ill - extremely high pressured job in a cut throat industry, ridiculously long hours, lots of stress, drinking heavily. None of it made for a particularly healthy life.
So, as I tried to manage my illness and to learn how best to take care of myself with medication, talking therapies, mindfulness, good nutrition and a structured sleep pattern, I gradually changed from the person I was to the person I am now - calm, patient, compassionate, kind, accepting. And with my rapidly growing interest in mental health and how I could help others in the way I had learnt to help myself, I knew I wanted to take a new direction in life.
With that in mind I believe fate eventually took a turn in my favour. After 18 months of trying to continue my job with a very empathetic and supportive employer, after my third stay in hospital we finally agreed it wasn't what was best for me or for the business and I took voluntary redundancy. To be honest it was a massive relief as I felt for the first time in several years (I suffered for a couple of years before diagnosis) I felt I could properly concentrate on recovery without stressing about being off sick from work again.
However, I didn't rest on my laurels for long as it turned out I didn't need to!
When I had been in hospital previous to my redundancy, I had met Teela from Music 24 when she came on the ward to do music therapy twice a week. Soon after redundancy I contacted her via Facebook to see if they needed volunteers, which they did. As a music lover, I loved it straight away and it was like work and therapy at the same time. I soon found myself increasing my shifts and now work part-time for them helping facilitate dementia groups and ward sessions and project managing new work we have in the pipelines. It's a bit like a dream come true really.
Around the same time as I was starting with Music 24 I was also making enquiries into People Participation, a new NHS incentive to help service users have a say in how the trust is run, which I also found out about when in hospital. Fast forward 4 months and I am now regularly sitting on interview panels for new mental health staff, auditing mental Health wards, training new staff on Bipolar Disorder, doing talks at NHS induction days to help create a better, more compassionate trust (which is my favourite!) and will soon be starting training to be a Peer Support Worker.
I'm also studying Music Therapy, Life Coaching, Mindfulness and Neuro-Linguistic Programming to back up all the work I'm doing and help me with future employment.
So even though I'm busy working again already, all the work I'm doing brings me such happiness and I really feel like I'm making a positive difference in peoples lives. I'm passionate about everything I do and I feel so fortunate that all these things have come my way.
I have to believe that there is a reason for me having Bipolar, I have to, and now I have the reason - so I can do all of these things above to help other people. I couldn't be happier.
On a more sentimental note, if I've learnt anything from life its that sometimes the darkest times can lead us to the brightest places. I've learnt that the most toxic people and situations can teach us the most important lessons; that our most painful struggles can grant us the most necessary growth; and the most heartbreaking losses of friendship and love can make room for the most wonderful people. I've learnt that what seems like a curse in the moment can actually be a blessing and that what seems like the end of the road is actually just the discovery that we are meant to be on a different path. I've learnt that no matter how difficult things seem, there is always hope; no matter how powerless we feel or how horrible things seem, we can't give up. We have to keep going. Even when its scary and when all of our strength seems gone, we have to keep picking ourselves up and moving forward, because whatever we're battling in that moment, it will pass and we will make it through. We've made it this far so we can make it through whatever comes next, of that I'm certain.
So, as strange it may seem, I will be celebrating my 2 year anniversary of Bipolar diagnosis as, without my illness, I wouldn't have the life I do now and the perspective and vision that I now posses. Managing Bipolar has caused me to live a life I don't need a vacation from, and for that I will forever be grateful.